Choice student phrases

Some things students said (ok I might have paraphrased a bit) and the responses I would like to have made:

"I didn't realise the deadline was in November, I thought it was December."

Yeah, like you've only been told about it 6 months ago and the information has been available to you all through that time if you'd just bothered to look.

"I didn't realise the deadline was in November, I thought it was September."

Ok so this student isn't going to be that devastated.

"I got divorced and got awarded custody of my 3-year old and I'm adapting to being a single parent and finding it very difficult to get work done."

Awwww, ok, we'll let you have that one.

"It's 5000 words!"

No, more like 500. Stop exaggerating the requirements. The martyr act does not play well in this office.

"I have exams on 18th - 21st June."

And that prevents you from submitting on May 18th just how?

"Can I have my coursework back?"

Err no. You plagiarised, remember? I caught you and it was identical to that of that other student who admitted giving you a copy of it. So no, you can't have YOUR coursework back, what are you thinking?!

"I got up late."

At least it's an honest excuse.

"Oh am I meant to do a project?"

Yes you are meant to do a project. Those four separate emails you got telling you that you had to do a project? Guess what? YOU HAVE TO DO A PROJECT!

"But the web server was down!"

And the web server had nothing to do with you handing in your work on time so stop pretending that that is some kind of excuse!

"Please can you email me my grade because I won't be back until next week?"

No, I do not have time to be your personal emailing service. Just curb your curiosity and pick up your coursework from the allotted place like you were told, when you do get back.

"Please can you email me the lecture notes?"

Are you SERIOUSLY telling me you can't be bothered to pick up the lecture notes from the website? You really can't cope if they aren't personally delivered to your inbox? Sense of entitlement, thou art personified.