They get you coming and going

Not good at your teaching?
You had better improve! This University prides itself on the quality of its teaching!

Good at your teaching?
You had better improve your research! You are obviously dedicating too much effort to teaching and don't realise how important research is.

Had adequate time to do research this year?
Your research had better be good! This University prides itself on the quality of its RAE results research.

Had inadequate time to do research this year and not done much research?
That's no excuse! You had better improve! Publications for the next RAE should have been submitted by now and we may have to omit you from the RAE submission.

Had inadequate time to do research this year and still somehow managed to produce decent research through working long evenings and weekends?
That's great, with results like that you obviously don't need to be allocated any more time to do research in.